In between

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I write a lot about moving forward and letting go, but to be honest, I’m existing somewhere in between. There are a lot of pieces that I’ve started to write but never completed because I don’t have the answers yet and I always wanted to leave you with something that felt more life affirming than “I’m winging this too.”

There is a lot of freedom in letting go in order to move forward and in taking time to reflect and grow. At this point in my life I feel like I have a foot in both camps which is stretching me way too thin on sanity and is the culprit of my ongoing sense of instability.

Calm or anxious.

Brave or fearful.

Courage or cowardice.

Breathing or holding my breath.

I am still not able to let go but have a deep desire to move forward. Feeling pulled in two directions, I am always left feeling unsatisfied with any sense of accomplishment with one side being appeased while the other is hung out to dry.  

Caught between my past and my present, I have not been able to find solid footing for years. This ongoing sense of instability feels like I’m caught in a tornado, going around and around in circles, not knowing if I’m moving forward or backwards or going anywhere at all.

The person I miss the most is who I was and the person I want to be the most is who I am. One of the most emotionally taxing things you can do is miss someone. While one of the most liberating things you can do is to let go of someone that no longer serves a positive purpose in your life. But how are you supposed to move on when the person you miss is you?

This is the question is the culprit of my storm and is at the core on my tornado.

I don’t have an answer for you at the moment on how to truly let go in order to end the state of in betweenness because I haven’t been able to end the war within myself.

I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are valid, you’re going to be okay, and most importantly, it’s not your fault.

We have a natural tendency to blame or punish ourselves for feeling any sort of way that does not feel good or positive, but blame has no place in your storm. Your storm was created through external events that stirred or created turmoil within you. It took me a long time to really understand that all the things I constantly blamed myself for were not my fault at all because it sounded like an excuse instead of a fact. I mean, how could it not be my fault if it was my life? But sometimes the world has other plans for us than the ones we had for ourselves and it can throw us off for a long time. So if those events destroyed any sense of stability and robbed you of everything you believed to be true, it’s not your fault that you feel lost.

So if you are caught in the storm, the clouds will clear. If you are trying to pick up the pieces that remain, you will heal from the devastation. If you feel your willpower fading, search for new inspiration. If your light is going out, start a fire.

Because you are a force of nature that is capable of more than you let yourself believe.