To the Person Who's No Longer in My Life

Lisbon, Portugal

Lisbon, Portugal

 

To the Person Who’s No Longer in My Life:

 

Where are you now?

What are you up to?

What are you doing?

 

I think that these questions come across my mind the most.

 

The hardest part of you no longer being in my life is that I’m no longer in yours.

 

I don’t know what you’re up to all the time.

We’ll never catch each other up on all that we’ve been doing.

And all that has changed.

We are frozen in that time before we said goodbye.

That’s as far as my knowledge of you goes, and that’s where it’ll stay, and that’s why I keep reliving that moment in time. Because I still know you. 

 

The “not knowing” part is the hardest even though to be honest I’m not sure if “knowing” would make me feel much better.

But because I don’t know, my mind uses this as a free pass to create whatever hypothetical facts it wants to.

To appease my curious mind it comes up with stories of how you might be doing, what you’re up to, and if you’re doing all right.

But none of the stories my mind creates are good enough to stop me from wondering.

 

Wondering if you think about me.

Wondering if you think about us.

Wondering if you ever thought about wondering.

 

When the truth could be you just don’t think about it.

But that’s it, isn’t it?

I’ll never know the truth.

Even if I did, it’s probably not the truth that I would want.

 

The truth is never going to end the way I want it to, will it?

But I’ll never know that either.

 

I think this whole time I was trying to be ‘okay’ and what I believed being ‘okay’ was meant being happy.

But who’s ever happy about someone no longer being a part of your life?

 

I made a decision that I stand by, although sometimes my emotions make me waver, but it always comes back to having faith that I did the right thing by standing up for myself.

And I believed that I was going to be ‘okay’ after but that definition of okay was always unachievable because I defined it that way.

 

Being okay doesn’t have to mean being happy.

Saying that you’re okay can mean that you’re angry, sad, or depressed.

Why limit the definition of what it means to ‘be okay’ when expanding that definition can bring you peace?

Who said that ‘being okay’ equated to ‘being happy’ anyways?

 

I chose to redefine what ‘being okay’ means because I can, and you can too.

I know I’ve said it before but I fully believe that you can be strong and beautiful, while being sad and in pain.

 

You can redefine anything you want to.

Let me repeat that.

You can redefine anything you want to.

 

Redefine societal definitions.
Redefine your life.

Redefine yourself.

 

Never forget that you and you alone have the sole power over you.

Why define yourself in a way that binds you when you can redefine yourself in ways that sets you free?

 

 

Sincerely,

Cindal

Cindal MaComment