To the Person I Can't Let Go Of
To the Person I Can’t Let Go Of:
This is exhausting.
Us. Me. You.
This whole relationship, if I can even call it that, is like a never-ending marathon.
We entered into the same race, but here’s the thing about one that never ends—no one can win.
You and I, Me and You, It’s a conjunction that I’ve obsessed over, cried over, laughed over, and if there was a bubble that I could check that said ‘All of the above’ I would.
There was this movie today that got me thinking—was it you or is it me?
The one that has the power to end the marathon but keeps the runners going because my disdain for the end is greater the pain of keeping it going.
The story of you and me cannot have the ending I wanted it to have so I keep it going, all on my own, when you’ve already decided to leave the race.
I fell in love with idea of us, I can’t bear the fact that that version of ‘us’ that I wanted so badly, is never going to happen.
So rather than face reality I played a differently reality in my head—one where our story is still being written so the ending that I know exists will never happen.
Scary isn’t it?
The power of our mind and emotions—when they mix they create these fictional supplements to fill in the cracks between the facts and when it all comes together this creates our reality.
The reality we choose to live in.
I’m exhausted because the two runners in the race aren’t us—it’s just me. Me and the fictional You.
I couldn’t accept the fact that someone I loved didn’t love me in the same way. That someone I would do anything for, would never do anything for me.
And the sharp feeling of a knife that turned into a rope:
That that person could never and would never feel what I feel.
And realize what we could be.
Accepting all these facts meant that I had to face the reality I created in my mind with the one that was in front of my eyes. I had to melt the fiction that waxed itself with the facts and realize the person who was keeping me in the marathon for my life was me.
It was always me.
On the surface level I understand it all—some people just aren’t meant to be together, you guys weren’t right for each other, you wanted different things etc. etc. etc.
But deep down I couldn’t accept it because I truly truly did not want to understand it.
Until now, because my shoes are wearing down and my legs are giving out and I just don’t have the breath to fuel the thoughts in my mind.
So, to the person who I can’t seem to let go of—I can’t live my life with everything I got if you still have a part of me with you.
The part that I gave you.
The part that I’m taking back.
I’m done drinking the poison and waiting for you to perish.
I’m done giving my energy to relationships that drain me.
I’m done spending time obsessing over someone who hasn’t given me a second of his.
And above all, I am done with being in a relationship that drains me with myself.
I’m officially pulling myself out of the race and onto the grass.