To My 21-year-old Self

Lexington, Massachusetts

Lexington, Massachusetts

To my 21-year-old self:

I feel like no amount of words could bring you the amount of comfort you need right now.

You have been robbed of your absolute truths in the world which has left you in a state of despair.

An unimaginable fear has become your reality.

Your body has become a prison.

And that prison has become your world.  

You looked for answers but found questions.

You looked for hope but was met with despair.

You feel as though your body has betrayed you and has yet to feel any remorse.

You have been beaten down emotionally, physically, and mentally which has caused you to become more attracted to a world in which you no longer exist.

You’ve grown to be scared of the world.

You’ve grown to be scared of yourself.

You live in a constant state of fear.

You don’t see a way out.

And you’re not even sure if you want one anymore.

You’re in an immense amount of pain, in every way possible, and at this moment you have no idea how to live a different life.

I wish I could be there to hug you. To hold you. To show you the light in your current darkness.

But since I can’t be there, I am going to try my very best to bring you comfort with the following words.

The most important thing I want to tell you is that you are capable of so much more than you’re letting yourself believe at this moment.

Someday from somewhere inside of you, you will draw strength and rise.

Like a phoenix you will experience transformation, death, and rebirth.

The ashes of your pain will be the place of your renewal.

And you will grow into a more beautiful version of yourself than before.

You’ll have a hard time accepting this because you cannot let go of who you were before.

You cannot grow past this experience right now because you’re trying to go back.

You want to return to a period when you were healthy but you’ll realize in the next year being healthy involves more than just physical appearance.

You cannot return to who you were before because you’ve been through too much to act like it never happened.

The turning point will come when you make the decision to walk forward with acceptance.

You will grow more in the next year than you ever have before.

You will start from ground zero, but this time the foundation of who you are will be stronger.

Because you will spend the next year getting to know yourself and really solidifying who that person is.

You will find happiness in the smallest things and experience joy more wholly than before.

You will practice self-love, compassion, and acceptance more diligently than ever.

You will realign your core values which will cause you to form new relationships and walk away from others.

You will hold yourself to the highest priority which will feel very weird at the first but will be extremely necessary.

Don’t get me wrong love. This year will be the hardest year of your life, but for a different reason than all the years before.

This year you will invest all your effort, energy, and time into yourself.

You will start looking for internal growth instead of external validation.

You will start to have honest conversations with yourself and others.  

You will come to know yourself more in the next year than you have in a long time.

You have already felt great levels of pain, so this year you will experience great levels of happiness.  

You will expand your spectrum of emotions farther than you ever thought possible.

You will have highs and lows; Some days you will take 10 steps forward and 5 steps back.

But you will always be growing and constantly changing in the best way possible.


This is the year of your becoming.

So please do not give up before it has even begun.


You have faith inside of you even if you cannot see it.

You believe that there is another life for you out there.

And this year is the beginning of it all.


You will start to honestly communicate instead of ruminate alone.

You will start to redefine the definition of what it means to be okay.

You will start learning how to practice self-care and self-acceptance.

You will start a blog.

You have a lot of beginnings ahead of you, so how could this be the end?


I love you.

And happy birthday.


Sincerely,

Cindal


Cindal MaComment