To the Person Who Needs to Start Again

IMG_9593 2.JPG

To the Person Who Needs to Start Again:

How many do-overs do you think we get in this lifetime? How many new beginnings? How many fresh starts?

How many times can we start over before we run out of chances?

How many chances do we get with ourselves?

I want to know because I’ve used more chances and embarked on more new beginnings in the past year alone than all the years before combined.

I felt like I needed to start over every second of every minute, every hour of every day, every month for over a year. With 365 days in a year, I’m definitely somewhere in the six-figures for new beginnings.

I’ve had over a half a million fresh starts because about a year ago things that I could have never predicted or dreamt of in my darkest dreams became my reality. These unexpected events robbed me of my absolute truths of the world and as a result shattered who I was at the time. For someone who needed control over her life, this trauma robbed me of any sense of stability and safety. I hit rock bottom and felt myself sinking into the floor that was supposed to be the lowest you could ever go.

I was in a place where I saw no light, felt no light, and invited no light. I existed in the darkness where I fed pain with more pain. I saw no way out and did not even know if I wanted a way out. That’s probably what scared me the most.

It took me months to admit out loud that I was not okay. That I was not faring as well with all the negative events in my life as those around me believed I was. Because I never showed it on my face. My mask became second nature, and the more it did, the more I despised who I was.

I felt broken and I needed help. When I was finally able to vocalize the things that I wanted and desperately needed from others, I gave myself a new beginning. And continued to have many more after that.

There is a Japanese art form called Kintsugi, or Kintsukuroi, which involves repairing broken pottery with gold, silver, or platinum. It incorporates the broken pieces into a new art piece, highlighting the scars with precious metals. The art form turns a once broken object into a new piece of pottery, conveying that we can be strong, beautiful, and broken all at the same time. We are all Kintsugi.

That is why I do not believe we only get a finite amount of chances in this lifetime. Especially when it is with yourself.

Instead of focusing on the number of times you started over, focus on what the action signifies. It declares to ourselves and the world that we refuse to give up.

We choose courage over cowardice.

We choose ourselves rather than admit defeat.

We choose to try again rather than to not try at all.

So give yourself as many do-overs, new beginnings, and fresh starts as you need.

As long as your intention is clear and your willpower is unwavering, take as many as you need.

Because you will get there. And when you do, it will not matter how many tries it took.

What matters is that you are trying. Every day. Fiercely and unapologetically. For yourself.

Crafting a more beautiful, valuable, resilient you.